Sunday 16 January 2022

A bigger life

I've been quiet on here, which is unintentional. I always love the first few days of a new year with the promise they bring of 365 empty pages that we can fill with all our hopes and dreams, and I love to share my word of the year and all my goals and plans with you.

I had planned to post on January 1 about all that, and then post again for January 10 (which was our 17th wedding anniversary). But instead I've been doing a lot of internal work behind the scenes. Stuff that feels big and has the markings of changing my life profoundly from the inside out - which is where the greatest change happens. 

To start with, I'm doing a manifesting challenge. I was big into the law of attraction and manifesting a few years ago, but then slowly forgot about it. During the last few days of 2021 I came across it in a podcast, and my interest was piqued again. As part of the challenge I'm meditating and journaling daily - and guys, shit is really happening!
It's as if a light has been switched on inside of me, shining into all the dark and half-forgotten places where my deepest dreams and desires are buried. 

Elizabeth Gilbert writes in her fantastic book Big Magic:

"One of the oldest and most generous tricks that the universe plays on human beings is to bury strange jewels within us all, and then stand back to see if we can ever find them."


I read Big Magic for the first time 6 years ago, and I've re-read it several times since. Every time I find more truth in Liz Gilbert's words, and a deeper understanding of myself. To find the jewels inside yourself you have to look inwards. You have to tune out the noise and distractions from the world around you and become quiet. It's incredibly difficult to do, and very uncomfortable at first. I used to be so afraid of the mean voice in my head that I couldn't stand silence - I always listened to stories during my walks or on car rides, and I would rather read the ingredients of the tooth paste while I was in the bathroom than being alone with my thoughts. 

It took a lot of healing and therapy before I starved the mean voice out. She's gone now, after a lifetime of distracting me and keeping me down, and now the second part of my life can begin. 

I'm taking stock of not only how I feel, but more importantly how I want to feel. This is a question we surprisingly don't ask ourselves very often - it's always about what we want to achieve, what we want to buy/have, where we want to be in [insert number] years. 

Starting with how we want to feel is so much simpler: it can be something as seemingly obvious as good. I want to feel good. Who doesn't? But then comes the trickier part: what do we have to do in order to feel good? What are the things that make us feel good? That's where looking inside comes in. It's been said that the answers to all our questions can be found inside ourselves, and guys - whoever said that is right. 

Over the last 3 weeks I've been tuned inwards every day. I'm listening and making notes, waiting for the jewels inside of me to reveal themselves. And they are slowly unfolding, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon and spreading its wings for the first time. It's an entirely different process to what I've done in the past. I used to make plans and create goals as an active process - this time I'm observing what's already inside me, witnessing what wants to come out. It's more of a passive process, except that it doesn't feel passive at all. It feels hugely exciting! The world seems bigger and filled with more promise than it has in years. I feel like I may be on the brink of a bigger life. 

Not big in terms of a bigger house, car, or world travel. I have no intention of ever moving away from our cozy 1,240 sf house, I love my Mazda, and world travel is definitely not on the agenda for the foreseeable future. 

I mean bigger in taking up more space. Becoming crystal clear about what I want and what I stand for, and not being afraid to speak my truth. I want to share what I've learnt, to help others who are in a place in their life where I used to be. I want to tell them that it gets better! That there is hope and joy and wisdom waiting for them if they just keep going!

And I want to live up to the potential that is buried inside me, and that has been patiently waiting for 42 years to be discovered. I am discovering it now, and it's amazing. 
I am ready for a bigger life. 


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