Creating my happy life on the other side of fear.

Monday, 2 January 2017

My word for 2017


This morning I burst into tears for no apparent reason. Rich and I had gone into town early to get an oil change for our truck. While waiting for it to be done, we had a delicious breakfast at a real old-fashioned mom and pop diner - Lynda's Cafe. We were served by the actual Lynda, and it was the most delicious breakfast I had all year (#zinger). No seriously, it was awesome. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and while it was cold, everything was well.

Until it wasn't.
I felt off-balance all morning, without being able to put my finger on what was wrong.

Then, two things happened. Two tiny, minuscule things.
While having breakfast, I mentioned to Rich that working three days a week would be perfect for me. All he said was: "Are you sure that's enough?"
That sent me into a tailspin. Was it? What was I doing? I had no job to go to! My silly dreams were just that - silly. I needed a "real" job. When would I work again? How much should I work? After all, I had no kids. Shouldn't I aim for full-time? Was I lazy? WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I DOING, not going to a job tomorrow, when everybody else would? OMG.

I was frantic, but still managing to maintain a duck-like appearance, gliding along smoothly on the surface, while paddling furiously below it.

But then, minuscule thing #2 happened.
As we were strolling across the local market square (aka Walmart), we ran into our neighbour. The neighbour I fear. 
The one who told me a few weeks ago that Tom Snow (our dog) had come over onto their property a few times.
At the time, I apologized profusely and told her that as soon as it got warmer, we would make the fence dog-proof, and they wouldn't have to worry about him any more.
We are fully intending to do that. We really are!


The only problem is, it's been freakishly cold the entire time since then (because, winter). And it will be freakishly cold for the foreseeable future (because, winter).

Today, she told us that, apparently, he stepped up his game. Not only does he visit them daily (sometimes late at night, startling the living daylights out of her), he also progressed to pooping onto her front porch daily.

Why, Tom Snow, WHY??

I was mortified. Luckily, Rich was there and did all the talking, completely unperturbed. He can completely sympathize with her ("imagine you're scared to go into your own backyard"), but he was calm and collected. He told her that we would put him on a chain when we weren't there to supervise him, and fix that fence as soon as it warmed up.
Rich was calm as a cucumber.

I wasn't.

I completely freaked out.
As soon as we hit the relative safety of our car after that encounter (and minuscule thing #1 he wasn't ever aware of), I burst into tears.

Life, you know? It's just too much sometimes.


Well, on the bright side, I learnt three things thanks to my minor mental breakdown this morning.

1. My depression made it safely into 2017. For a moment there (all of January 1st, bless it), I was hoping I had left her behind with the old year. Nope, definitely not. She's alive and kicking, kicking like a bitch.
2. Rich really doesn't handle sudden and unexpected tears well. He was all panicky: "What's wrong? Why are you crying? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
3. I found my word for 2017. I had been thinking hard about it for several days, but couldn't settle on anything that felt right. But today, as I was drying my tears, with my corgi on my lap, my befuddled husband by my side, and the sun shining above us, it suddenly came to me:

I want to be as determined as the Corgi is to catch Tom Snow to DESTROY him. Not for realz, obviously.*
*(Totally for realz.)

DETERMINATION.

I'm determined not to let depression get the best of me. 
I'm determined to create a rich, full, satisfying life in our new home. 
I'm determined to finish the damn book that's been pestering me for so many years. 
I'm determined to work in a hospital again. (Because you know what? I love it. Despite of whatever I may have said in the past. I love it and I miss it.) 
I'm determined to become the best me. 

All in all, a successful day.
Not being able to find my word had really been bugging me.  

What's your word for 2017?



P.S. I started a newsletter, and you really should subscribe to it. Because it contains dogs, freebies, and embarrassing stories. So, the holy trilogy of newsletters. 



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8 comments

  1. No freakin way. We picked the same word!
    Too bad your bitchy shadow side returned so early this year. Hopefully she won't stick around long. Xoxo

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    1. Did we really? Omg, that's so awesome! It better do AMAZING things for us this year lol! 😊

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  2. So sorry you had such a day. I totally understand and relate to the "will I ever work again" thing. I'm just a stay-at-home wife for no legit reason, wondering if I even have a purpose anymore on an almost daily basis. I feel you.

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    1. Ugh, thanks Emily! I'm sure most people couldn't care less about whether we have a job or not, but I feel like everybody is judging. Trying to find your own way (and source of income) is tricky. But nothing great has ever been achieved without struggle, so we just have to keep on keeping on! We got this!

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  3. I'm sorry you had a rough day, but I think determination is the perfect word and that you're going to rock 2017. Best of luck as you get settled into this new chapter of life. It's going to take time and tears, but you're going to do it and be your strongest, best self.

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    1. You always know just what to say. Thanks so much Amy, for always finding the right words at the right time! That's a very special, precious gift. And thanks for bestowing it upon me regularly!
      Amongst the good days there will always be the ones that are hard. Emotions and insecurities just get the better of us sometimes. But I know that there are WAY more good days than bad ones. And that chasing our dreams may not always be easy, but it is worth it.

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  4. I'm sorry it was a rough day, but I'm sure your determination will pull you through. Mine is Intimacy- I'm going to connect more with myself and others. I'm going to pour myself into my writing without (too much) fear of what others will see. I'm going to keep pushing myself to let others see the real me, not just what i find easy to project. It's scary, but then it's not a challenge if it's not. Good luck with your journey.

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    1. Good luck with your journey too, Jane! Intimacy is a beautiful word. You're right, it's not an easy one - in order to have intimate relationships with ourselves and others, we have to open up and be vulnerable. Showing the side of ourselves we'd rather hide is hard, but you know what? I'm convinced it will make you a stronger, more liberated person!

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