Thursday, 18 June 2020

The power of letting go is yours - if you want it

Today is a VERY big day. Dixie (our rambunctious, sharp-clawed, cat-chasing puppy) has mastered the trick of jumping into my outstretched arms onto my lap, little-kid-style. It hurts (only a little), but what's a little bit of pain in the face of so much all-encompassing, INTENSE love, right? *laughs hysterically while clutching her bleeding arm and wiping the dog saliva off her face*

Today is also the day where Rich is meeting these strange ominous nice (?) German fellas who've invited him to their weekly meeting at a local pub. I'm sure it was just an oversight and not on purpose that they didn't extend their invitation to me as well - mistakes happen, right?
He hasn't come home yet, but he's only an hour overdue, so I'm sure everything is just fine...
 
But seriously, today is a big day. I had a breakthrough today that just might be - and this time I'm not exaggerating - life-changing. In the best way possible. 

If I've sounded down or sad in my posts this year, I'm sorry. I'm not saying that everything has been peachy-perfect (it hasn't been that way for any of us), but I'm in a much better place than my posts may have suggested. If you've worried, I truly apologize. 
I tend to write when I'm most stimulated/had a mental epiphany/are fully engaged emotionally, and I've been on a pretty intense journey of going back in my own timeline and healing old wounds. 
So, some of these posts were created when I was still in the middle of unravelling my emotions/making sense of my new insight, and even though it may sound negative, it's actually been one of the most positive, healing experiences of me life. And that's what I'm going to share with you today!
You know those boring old platitudes our parents always told us?
"Time flies, just wait and see!"
"Once you have kids of your own you'll know what it's like!"
"Money isn't as important as creating memories."
"One day you'll realize that the little moments are what you remember most."

You know the ones. 

They all are incredibly important statements. But unless you're ready to hear them, really hear them, they are just annoying words that don't apply to you. 

What I'm going to tell you will fall into the same category. I've heard the advice that finally - miraculously! - sank into me today dozens of times before. I'm a fan of insightful quotes, I've read my fair share of self-help literature, and I count listening to (and heeding!) the advice from our senior citizens as one of my most favourable qualities.

Yet, I've never experienced how, by applying a ridiculously simple, yet completely life-changing method, my life could change completely on an ordinary Thursday afternoon, reversing a toxic thought pattern that I've had for 20 years. 
That's exactly what happened today. And I'll lay it all out for you, so you hopefully won't have to drag your emotional baggage around with you for as long as I did. 
I learn easiest by examples, so I'm providing you with one to best illustrate the process. 

February 2001: My previous lover hooks up with my sister, with my family's approval, and I'm the last one to find out. A whole bunch of shit happens afterwards, and when they get married in 2002 it seals the deal. Hurt level=through the roof. (For more details, click here.)

January 2005: I marry the love of my life. I'm happy, yet still bruised. Family is hard. 

2005-2017: A whole bunch of shit happens, but in a nutshell? I'm living a life beyond my wildest dreams. It's been fucking hard at times, but the highlights are incredible. Our love gets stronger with the years. My self esteem grows. Family visits and we find (superficial?) peace. I find a career I'm okay with. I find a dream I'm infatuated with. Life is exciting (still shitty at times, because: life - but overall: way better than it would ever have been in crummy old Germany).

2018:  I publish my book - "the book" - the one I've pinned all my hopes and dreams to for such a long time. It's supposed to miraculously heal all my wounds and fill all my gaps. It doesn't do that. How dare it. *M^&*$CKING&*#$%UCKER

2019: Is a blur of doing things I never thought I'd do: work away from home for a week at a time; publish a second book; fall into a pretty severe depression; fall in love with a niece I barely knew, and now love like life itself. 2019 is confusing as shit. 

2020: The year where everything changes. For us. For the world. And for me. 
I start therapy despite one of the strongest cases of German resistance the world has ever seen. (And we Germans are known for being stubborn). Because I was convinced that I did not need it. I was living a life far better than most peoples'! I was in love, I had a job I enjoyed, we had no money problems, we had friends - everything should have been perfect. 

So what if I was taking antidepressants for 8 years and counting? Didn't everyone? 
So what if there were days where I couldn't get out of bed to face the word? We all felt like that, right?
So what if I was so afraid of people I hid in the house until they left? Screen-called all our calls? Everybody did that, right?
Right?
I was at a loss. Despite all the work I'd done, all the dreams I had fulfilled, everything truly amazing in my life - I was still the little, insecure girl I'd always been. I craved approval of others. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to belong - everywhere.  
So I started talking to a therapist that was recommend to me by a friend whom I already owe, but now owe to eternity. Thank you, Christine!! I love L. She's changing my life. 

Here's what she's been teaching me in a nutshell:

  • We have thousands of thoughts every day. We drop a vast majority of them, never to be thought of again. 
  • We choose what thoughts we hold on to. 
  • If we hold on to thoughts, they turn into beliefs
  • Beliefs box us in. They are limited. Beliefs leave no room for other interpretation, because we already think we know the truth (=we believe).
  • Beliefs are just thoughts. We can choose to let them go.  
  • If we've believed something for a very long time (i.e. my belief that everything that's worth achieving needs a lot of hard work and sacrifice), we may believe that it will take just as long to let go of that belief. This is not true. 
  • Liberating yourself from beliefs is easy no matter how long you've held them for. 
This next point is so important, I took it out from the bullet points. 
I didn't get it at first. Or at second, third, fourth... I just got it today, after I've lost count how many times before it failed to sink in. 
It doesn't matter. The important fact is that it did, and I knew, right away. 
All these weeks in therapy, talking about letting things go, I was always worried at the back of my mind: "Did I really do it? Did it happen? Am I healing?"
Today there was no question about it. I knew. Letting go of a betrayal that had cast a shadow over my life for 20 years was just like releasing a breath of air: it was there one minute, gone the next. 

It was fucking insane. 

This is healing. This is the power of therapy. I'm still me, with my story, my life, my pieces, broken and whole - but there is this person who is helping me to feel completely at ease being me. 
She is freeing me from my expectations, from society's false expectations, from my old demons. She is teaching me that all my demons are really just thoughts - and it's in my power to let them go.  

I didn't understand my power until today. Now that I got a glimpse, it got me giddy and so high on the possibilities of the rest of my life I feel high - because it was there all along, but I never knew
And now I do. 

It's the greatest gift I've ever gotten.

If today isn't the day for you to embrace this message, please save it somewhere
Your day will come, I promise. 
And it will set you free.


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4 comments

  1. E.P.I.C.!!!!! Way to go, Miriam. xox Elaine

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    Replies
    1. This entire experience is life-changing. I've never felt more empowered.

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  2. I just finished reading "Let's Pretend This Is Normal". I loved it. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    Replies
    1. That's so nice to hear, thank you Kimberly!!
      Have a wonderful Sunday!❤

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