Monday 24 September 2018

Coming home to myself

I'm re-discovering the meaning of slowing down. This weekend was a truly slow one, with basically nothing happening, but it was deeply satisfying and relaxing. I'm finally coming home to myself. 
Rich didn't come to visit me this weekend because he had a few other things going on, and even though I missed him, I loved spending all this time just with Lily, myself, and my room mate. 
I got distracted by the noise over the summer. I listened more to the opinion of other people than to my own soul, and because I hated what I was hearing I tried to drown it out with too much wine, too much activity and too many people.
I forgot that we should only live for ourselves, and not according to what others expect of us. This is such a hard lesson for me, and I keep falling back into the trap. That's why these weeks by myself are priceless: they are like a retreat, where I can look at my life with some distance from an outside perspective. And what I see is this: Rich and I have created a wonderful and rich life together. It is filled with love, joy, lots of laughter, friends, animals, and an ease that I've been looking for all my life. We are slowly fulfilling all our wildest dreams, and if I could just learn to ignore the naysayers, it would truly be magical.

I'm a subscriber of the Holstee Newsletter, and they have currently a 30-day reflection series going. I read it every morning, and today's letter really resonated with me. Dave, the writer mentions a few highlights from Ralph Waldo Emerson's book Self-Reliance. The wording is heavy and old-fashioned, so I'm paraphrasing, but the meaning completely applies to my current situation:
Emerson is talking about how what we're doing is our business and nobody else's, despite many people thinking it's their right to tell us what to do. He says that it's easy to live according to your own rules when you're alone, but difficult when you're amongst others. The trick is to do your thing and not care about what anybody else thinks about it.
Easier said than done, but I'm determined to master this life lesson if it kills me!
When I'm away from home, I can see my problems more clearly. And that's a gift I'm immensely grateful for. Instead of having my days filled with chaos and activity, they are calm and quiet and filled with introspection.
I spent all weekend leisurely drinking coffee and tea, reading and writing, going for several walks a day with Lily, taking cellphone photos of the fall foliage and the many deer in our neighbourhood, and watching Netflix for hours. I was called into work a couple of times every day as well, which broke up the days nicely.

Yesterday I had an unexpected 3-hour conversation with my roomie because we really clicked - it's so amazing when that happens!
This job could not have come at a better time in my life. I'm slowly putting the pieces of my cracked self back together, finding the equilibrium and peace of mind I haven't had in almost a year.

I think we all get broken once in a while. Life, as beautiful as it is, is a rough ride, and if we participate in it wholeheartedly we will get some bruises.  

When I get bruised, I stop taking inventory of my soul and mental well-being. Instead of listening to my inside I do everything in  my power to drown it out. Taking a close look at yourself is difficult. It will make you feel exposed and vulnerable. But when I stopped doing that, when I stopped going for my walks and doing yoga, both forms of meditation for me, I lost sight of who I was and what was important to me.  
I lost myself over the last year - but now I'm finding myself again.

If you are lost right now, I'm walking right beside you. It's scary to do the work of picking up the pieces, but trust me - you will be grateful that you did.

You and I - we are worth it.

xoxo Miriam



  1. I'm glad you are enjoying your life and the new pace right now. That all sounds wonderful to me!

    1. It's really awesome to slow down in unison with nature. I've never done it consciously before, and now I never want to stop. Everything in my life feels harmonious right now.

  2. Replies
    1. I'm having so much fun doing it! Mindfulness is the greatest tool in the universe.

  3. How lovely, Miriam. I struggle so much with similar issues of wanting to please everyone and have them like me. Your writing is a great reminder for me to keep on developing my own strength. Walking outdoors is a wonderful form of meditation and this fall weather is encouraging me to do so!

    1. It's been so gorgeous, hasn't it.
      I'm continually amazed at how similar our struggles are. As unique as every person is, our trials in life are remarkably similar.

  4. 100% with you here Miriam. I think it is incredibly important to come to the realization that you live for YOU. Others can share their insight, their opinions, etc., but ultimately it is your life. Recently going through a breakup, making big decisions for my career, etc....its easy to just take an easy route and do what looks best in the eyes of others. But you can't: you have to stay true to you, because only you know what makes you truly happy. I'm glad you're finding ways to get back to yourself. There's nothing worse than feeling broken over and over again. I'm right here with you, too :)

    1. I'm discovering that this is an ongoing learning experience for me. I will get it for a while, and then lose it again. I hope that one day the lesson will stick and I don't have to re-learn it all the time - here's hoping!

  5. I'm so glad you're finding the benefits of this new lifestyle instead of drowning in what some might find to be loneliness. When I moved out to Connecticut to live in a house in the woods by myself with just my dog, I was terrified, but I ended up getting to know myself and discovering my strengths (and weaknesses). It was the best decision I ever made.

    1. I can so relate!
      I was worried about the new arrangement too, but it's the most amazing soul-searching/figuring out my priorities opportunity ever. I'm really grateful that I came across this job and decided to take it.
      I'm so glad your experience was such a positive one too!


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