Thursday, 3 June 2021

I'm a feeder of hummingbirds

I'm lost right now. Confused. The thing I love to do the most - writing - I can't do. I have difficulty focusing on what used to be so important to me. 
I'm not creative. I want to be, and I have ideas, but I can't gather the motivation to actually follow through. 

What does it mean? Does it even mean anything? Maybe it means nothing? Maybe we just go through dry spells and it's totally normal? Maybe I'm just tired and exhausted? Maybe we should all just give ourselves way more breaks, way many more times?? (Bad English, but necessary to drive the point home.)

I may not know where my passion disappeared to right now. 
But there's a ton of stuff I do know, wisdom I fought hard for, that I'm proud to pass on to you now: 

I'm a wife and a nurturer.
I'm a feeder of hummingbirds. We've increased our feeders from one to three, and I'm refilling them every three days. My juice brings all the boys to the yard, and I am proud of that fact. 

I'm a scratcher of dog bellies, a brusher of dog hair, a cleaner of dog pee, a remover of dog period stains on our tile. (Relax boys, it's natural.)

I'm an adventurer, chasing down her 20+ year-old past of being a skater girl, and becoming it once again, just different. (Way more padding, way less attitude.) 

I'm a sister who had planned to see her sister this month, and who's disappointed that she can't. I miss her a lot.

I'm an aunt who was hoping to see her niece next month. This won't happen. I also miss her a lot.

I'm a wearer of impractical dresses, because I love dresses, and I decided a few years ago that I would wear them whenever I please. And now I do!

I'm a terrible, yet enthusiastic dancer who loves to cut the rug when she feels down. (There's no video-graphic evidence of this, which is probably a good thing.) 

I'm a nurturer of her grey hair, embracing it instead of fighting it.
I have weird, unexplained aches and pains.

I'm a grandma who hasn't seen her grandson in way too long, but can't wait to remedy this this summer.

I'm an unfinished human being who needs some help. (It's coming.)
I'm an enthusiastic x-ray technologist who loves her patients, but who needs a break. (It's also coming.)

I'm a woman who lost her balance. 
A woman who needs a break.

In short: I'm just like you. 

Unfinished, incomplete, confused, still clueless as fuck despite all her "soul work". 

Welcome to the club. 

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4 comments

  1. Keep going and know that these dips are a part of the process. I also haven't written in ages, but I'm happy and I know that my fingers will find the keys again when they're meant to. You will too.

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    1. Thanks Emelie!! You are right, of course.
      I miss it terribly, and it's so frustrating when the right words won't come. But they will again, right? They will.

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  2. Dear Miriam,
    When I find myself in these sort of liminal spaces I find it helpful to not define that space as a dry desert but rather as a rich germinating ground that needs time before the new growth will rise through the soil. Lots is happening even if you can't see it yet.

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    Replies
    1. That's a beautiful way to look at it, thanks Elaine!

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