Saturday 18 April 2015

Tales from the farm

The other day as I was getting ready for work, my husband walked into the kitchen. "Is it bad?" he asked me, and I turned around to look at him. His face was covered in blood. Blood was running down his cheek, dripping onto the floor, his nose and chin were dirty, yet his demeanor was completely calm. "What did you do?" I shrieked, rushing to him to inspect the damage closer.
"Got attacked by the pheasant", he stated matter-of-factly. And that, my friends, is life on the farm in a nutshell.

He had two gashes in his left cheek, starting from just below his eye down to his chin. I washed it off, put Polysporin on, and tried (unsuccessfully) to bandage it; he wouldn't hear of it. "Naw, it needs to breathe, it's fine. Go to work" he said, shooing me out of the house. And he was right, it will be fine; it's healing nicely, and I have the pleasure of calling him 'scarface' until it does. Win/win.

Most of our animals are friendly and safe to be around. But there are always the few that have the need to be difficult - you know the type, don't you? Every school class, work place, and reality TV show has them - the misfit, shit disturber, Scott Disick of the group.

Let me introduce you to some of our current ones:

This little rooster - laughably small - is attacking everybody who walks past. He is no danger to anyone, weighing just over one pound and barely reaching past a person's ankles; but the bugger will startle you every damn time, and is a nuisance. Why we haven't eliminated him yet, I hear you ask? He is so darn pretty, and too small to do any damage. Plus, you gotta admire his nerve! A chicken coward he is not (even though he is a chicken - gotta love the irony).

Take a look at the turkey to the left (the right one has been made unidentifiable to protect his privacy). You are looking at one feisty - and tasty - turkey. 
That guy had no fear. He would jump up on Rich every time feeding time rolled around, which was the reason why I refused to feed him. Was it joy? Affection? Disrespect? I don't care. Being jumped by a 40-pound bird is not my kind of fun.  
It wasn't Richard's kind of fun either, and so this overly personable bird ended up first in our freezer, and then in our bellies. Revenge is juicy, my gobbling friend.

Picture the picture of a pheasant here. Since I didn't have one, I substituted with this tiger I saw last year in Leipzig, Germany. Scratch wounds from a tiger are much more impressive than from a pheasant anyway, so once again it's a win/win, right? 

To be fair, the pheasant acted purely in self-defense. He was destined to go to the auction, and he must have sensed that with his animal uber-senses.  
Let me paint you a picture: 
Rich is entering the pheasant enclosure, carefully peering through the trees. He spies his prey, and slowly approaches, net firmly clasped in his right hand. With his left hand, he pulls a few branches to the side to get better access. 
He creeps closer.

And closer.

Even closer. 

He tightens his grip on the handle of the net, ready to strike...


... when suddenly, the net gets caught in the branches, and momentarily helpless, with one hand holding back branches and anther one being caught, the pheasant flies right into his face, shrieking and clawing at him wildly!  

The rest is, as they say, history. Rich was wounded, but caught his bird in the end, stuck him into a cage, and put him unceremoniously into the auction for sale.  

"My work here is done."

Just another day in farmland. 




  1. Bahaha. It's killing me how you put a bar over the face to protect his privacy. Glad Rich is ok! This is too funny.

  2. Hahah, omg! Love this tale. But I think that is true, animals due sense when they are well heading to well, that kind of path!

  3. Glad your husband is okay. I never knew pheasants could be so mean. Or Turkies. I love the picture of the tiger. I think animals do have a sixth sense when it comes to certain things.

  4. Ahh so scary!!! I have a mild fear of birds (the big, non-flying ones) and I can't imagine coming face-to-face against a pheasant! Even the peacocks walking around at the zoo give me the shakes! Hope Farm Guy's face is doing alright :)
    ~ Samantha

  5. Sounds like life on the farm is always an adventure!

  6. It sure is! Despite the occasional wounds, we love it. 😊

  7. He's healing nicely, his skin is incredible - basically no scars, his skin always looks like new. He has great healing powers!
    Birds strike fear in a lot of people, they can be fierce! Peacocks are really friendly, but you don't want to get too close to the geese during mating season (right now), they'll chase off even our big dogs!

  8. He actually didn't try to be mean, just got spooked. He wanted to flee and got his flight route wrong haha!

  9. Bird fans have always told me about the intelligence of birds. I was doubtful in the beginning, but have to admit that they were right. Smart buggers, those birds!

  10. Hehe thanks! It never gets boring around here. Despite the odd bruises and scrapes, I wouldn't want to change it for anything!

  11. HAHA Absolutely love the protection of identity! Your writing and creativity proves clever again!

  12. You're hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh. You should be writing for the New Yorker or something.

    1. Omg, that's the best compliment I've ever received. Thank you so much!
      You made my day!


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