Sunday 14 August 2016

What I'm thinking about when doing yoga*

* sweary version

I love yoga. It's given me confidence, strength, more flexibility, and a new level of appreciation for my body. One thing I'm still waiting for: Calmness of mind. Except for a few rare moments of blissful zen, my thoughts are usually going a mile a minute. And not all of them are very polite, I'm afraid.
Today I thought it would be fun to share some of the thoughts that are going through my mind when I'm kicking it yogi style.
Warning: Contains profane language. (My mind has a potty mouth.) 

Camel pose | Ustrasana

"I can't breathe. I CAN'T BREATHE!"
"Calm down, of course you can. Breathe in, breathe out. That's better."
"My back hurts. Are back bends really good for you?"
"Camel pose. Weird name. I wonder if it's called camel pose because your breasts are sticking up?  Two breasts =  two humps? Gotta google it."*
* I did. Couldn't find the origin of the name. 

Crane pose | Bakasana

"Suck the belly in. Toes up."
"I love this pose. Can I hold it for a minute?"
*Knees are slowly, yet steadily sliding down.*
30 seconds later

Lord of the Dance Pose | Natarajasana

"Ouch, my shoulders. Aah, they're gonna dislocate any second! I want to love you, but right now I hate you."
"Ouch, ouch, ouch."
"Did I get a good picture?"

Scale Pose | Tolasana

"Right knee, go down. DOWN."
"Hrumph, it's not listening." 
"Hey, I couldn't do this last year! Kinda cool."
"Look at me Lily! LOOK AT ME!!"

*Back turned, ignores me completely.*

Horse Face Pose | Vatayanasana

"My heel is in my crotch. Weird."
"What are the benefits of this pose again? Oh, I'm losing my balance, I'm faaalling ..."

One-Legged King Pigeon Pose | Eka Pada Rajakapotasana

"Come on, hand, just a wee bit more. A couple more inches! You can do it!"
"You bitch. We have been practicing this now for months. Just grab the damn foot already!"
*muttering under my breath* 
"So close. SO CLOSE."
*screaming out loud* 
"Aaaaahrgh!!!! TOUCH THE FOOT! JUST TOUCH IT!!!"*
*sounding like a foot fetishist*

*throws away the strap in disgust*
"I hate you."

Low Lunge | Anjaneyasana
Kardashian bum look-alike

*while doing the pose* "Look at my back bend! It's getting so good!"
*after viewing the photo* 
"Never mind."
"But look at dat ass. Kim K, you've got competition."

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gaaaay!"

Peacock Pose | Mayurasana

"I'm faking it, I'm totally faking it."
"I can hold this for .5 seconds, tops."
"Am I gonna post this picture?"

Pendant Pose | Lolasana

"I fucking HATE you!!!!!!!!"
Disclaimer: It's a difficult pose.

Forearm Stand | Pincha Mayurasana

"Oops, I just farted."

Scorpion Pose | Vrischikasana

*after viewing the photo*
"Well, not really." 
Look at real scorpion pose here

Standing Backbend | Anuvittasana

"My back hurts. My tummy hurts. I'm scared!"


Back bends make me feel panicky. Apparently, it's a widespread phenomenon. Why? Because of laying your heart open? I don't know. All I know is that they are very intense and emotional. 

Toe Stand | Padangustasana

"Okay, I got this."
*falls over*
"Maybe not."
*tries again*
"Hey, I got it!"
*falls backwards*
"Screw you."

Wheel Pose | Urdhva Dhanurasana

"Everything hurts, I can't breathe!"
*I can breathe. I'm panicking in this pose more than in any other*
"Calm down, calm down, calm down."
*calms marginally down*
"I have to come out of this pose."
*plops down*

I always breathe heavily when coming down from wheel, which I think is less due to exertion and more to the emotional aspect of this pose. Once we have settled in a new place, I will go on a serious exploration of my own body and psyche, and try to figure out what the root of this problem is. 
Oh yoga, you just won't leave this alone, will you. 

Bathing suit: ModCloth (sold out), but this one is similar and super-cute!

Are you zen when you practice yoga? Or do you have random thoughts like I do?

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