Creating my happy life on the other side of fear.

Monday, 27 February 2017

Is the honeymoon over?



Last week, I was sitting on my desk, looking out the window at the sunny day, when suddenly it started to snow. But not just a few little flakes - the heavens opened and unleashed snowmargeddon. It was snowing like crazy, but the sun kept shining.
I have never seen anything like that before. It was eerily beautiful, almost as if Mother Nature wanted to show off a little - "Look what I can do if I want to. Don't mess with me."
It only lasted for maybe 15 minutes, before the snow stopped as suddenly as it had started.

Life has been like that, lately - sunny and stormy at the same time.

My initial instinct has been to skip this chapter of my life, to not share it on here. But since it seems to be lasting longer than expected, and I pride myself on honesty, I'll try to describe what's going on. It's difficult to put into words, because I'm not even sure what the hell is wrong with me. But I'll give it a good try, okay?

Let's backtrack a little. As you may know, we embarked on our house hunting adventure last July. In what was a very spontaneous decision for us, we put our beloved place on the market, and started searching.
Life was a whirlwind from that moment on. We spent every waking moment working towards this goal: Cleaning, organizing, decluttering, researching, driving all over the place to look at houses.
We dreamed, schemed, and painted our future in the most glowing colours, complete with daily adventures and rides into the sunset. It was fun!

At the same time, we were also both working, we were socializing more than normal, and still had the farm to take care of. Life was busy.

The month of moving was its own chapter of insanity, with barely enough time to stop and think. A novel experience for me, a dedicated overthinker, and not unpleasant!

In December, I travelled back and forth between our new home and my old work. It came with its own set of adventures, and, once again, I was a busy little bee.


When the new year rolled in, I was ready for a break. And boy, did I get one! January was the coldest and snowiest it had been in about 50 years. Yet, the sun came out almost every day, shining her smiling face onto a picture-perfect winter wonderland.
I was in heaven. I had no work, I was living in my dream home, I tried new activities like cross-country skiing and spontaneously popping in at the neighbours (a novelty for me).
Everything was roses and rainbows.


In February, I got a job. In town, only 15 minutes away! It can't get any better, can it?
We also got cows.
Everything seemed to fall into place.

The sun is still shining. I still love our place. Rich and I are happy.

And yet.

I've been off balance for the last few weeks, and I don't know why. Is it simply because reality has returned? Is the honeymoon phase over? Is it because winter just won't quit? Is it because of D?
My best bet is that it's a combination of all of the above.
And I'm sure it will pass.

But for now, I'm a bit fragile. I've cried a bit more than I usually do. And I thought it's important to share that even if your dreams come true?
You still get sad.
You still get annoyed.
The rainbows come with a dose of storms.

That's life.

If you're having a hard day, or week, or month, know that you're not alone! All of us struggle sometimes. But we are strong, and we will get through this.

Love you!



P.S. I send out a letter every Sunday night that finds light in the darkness. Want to check it out? Click here!



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6 comments

  1. Life is one phase after another, isn't it? I hope you start to feel completely back to your happiest self soon. I bet it's winter!! But spring is coming. Spring is coming.

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    1. That's what I mutter under my breath every morning, after seeing it's still -16C (~3F) outside: "Spring is coming. SPRING IS COMING". You know, writing it all down and talking about it (A LOT, he's a saint) to Rich, I have come to realize that it's just my transition period that's happening right now.
      I pinned a lot more than just 'normal' moving hopes on this change: I want it to be the catalyst for my "real" life: The life of being a valued member in a small community (a la Lorelai Gilmore, she influences me way too much), of being a published writer, and an adventurous, cool cowgirl(ish).
      It's barely been 3 months, and I guess I had a little crisis.
      All these unrealistic expectations, combined with impatience and insecurity? NOT a good mix, lol.
      I really think I've moved passed the crisis mode, chanting to myself every day to "enjoy the moment". Because there are a lot of AWESOME moments happening every day.
      But - I still want to share the down days, the doubts, the tears, and the bad moments.
      Because, I know how it feels when you try to distract yourself from your pain by scrolling through Instagram, and all you see is happy faces, declaring how "blessed", "fortunate", and "happy" they are, and how awesome it is that "I have these FANTASTIC friends" - and you have never felt more alone in your life.
      It's the WORST. I've been there so many times, and I KNOW that I'm not the only one. That's why I want to share my down times.
      Not to get sympathy.
      But to let others know that they are not alone.

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  2. One common theme on this post... "The sun is still shining." Love ya Miriam. Hang in there. Spring will be here soon.

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    1. Thank you, Mary! I'm hesitant to say it - but it seems that the storm clouds have passed for now. I'm getting more and more established at work, and all the snow is almost gone - things are looking up! Yoga is also helping, as it always does.
      Love you!

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  3. Those are the ebbs and flows of life. I have definitely been there many times. I'm glad things are going well and I hope you feel better as the days start getting longer.

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    1. Yes! I'm feeling much better again. Thanks for being so sweet and understanding!
      I think it's important to share the not-so-good days as well as the golden ones, to show others who feel down that they are not alone. We all go through rough times sometimes, even if most of it only happens in our heads.

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