Wednesday 13 August 2014

Giant Gummy Bear

* This is not a sponsored post. I have yet to get paid for writing anything on here. Still doing this gig for free*

Feeling a bit down today? Need a little pick-me-up? Look no further.
I have discovered a gold mine of awesomeness. And it is not that delicious bear above (even though candy always makes me smile), but a treasure trove of witty comments. 

I don't quite recall how I came across it, but I suspect Pinterest was involved. The other day I showed it to one of my co-workers, and she and I killed ourselves laughing. I love funny people!

Here are some of my favourites:

This is the biggest, baddest gummy M'Fer in the world! I dropped this bad boy on my cat and he fell through the floor. Later, whilst being intruded upon by neighborhood thug-types, I used this Gummy of Death to deal out punishment upon them all. I am seriously thinking about moving underground and living a vigilante type life style with my gummy bear. It was originally a gift for my son, but screw him. He never cleans up after himself anyway, Brat. (source)

It was okay I guess. Not as good as the 10 Pound Gummy Bear. I'd say it was half as good. (source)

Got this for my birthday in January and haven't pooped since. It was worth it though, delicious cherry gumminess. Someone recommended another type of gummy bear that might help with that. Wonder if I could get those on here... (source)

To me he is not a delicacy. He is Donald. He is my son and I will raise him as such. I will bathe, feed, care for, and instill in him the values he needs to grow into a proud gummy man. I will not consume him ( unless he acts out then I will take a nibble here and there ) & I will not allow the judgements of neighbors and peers to lessen my resolve!!
Welcome Home Donald. Father will protect you. (source)

Got this for my ex when I broke up with her. How can she be upset when she has 5 POUNDS of tasty bear to eat? (source)

When I get really depressed it's a huge inconvenience to have to fumble through a 5 pound bag of ridiculously small candies to get my required amount of food coloring and high fructose corn syrup, sometimes they even fall out onto the floor or roll under the couch and get lost, wasting hundreds of dollars over time. This 5 pound gummy bear solves all of those problems. I can now eat my feelings, one perfect mouthful at a time. This gummy bear is much harder to lose and when I'm through I can wrap it in plastic wrap for a few hours until I need my next dose of gummy bear. Excellent purchase. (source)

I have had this gummy bear tied to a chair for the past 5 days and he still won't tell me the secret location of his gummi bear juice. However there is good news: I think he is warming up to me and his defenses are starting to melt. Unfortunately they are melting all over my super secret interrogation room. (source)

Sometimes a girl gets lonely. That's where this stunner comes in---he sauntered into my life one cloudy afternoon and now we're inseparable. We go to the park, the movies, out to dinner. He's the best, a wonderful listener and nary a wandering eye. It's true, we do get a lot of funny looks---but we don't mind. Our bond is beautiful! Though at times sticky when it's hot out. I can't wear white those days. (source)

I didn't really think anything of it when I ordered the giant gummy bear. I was going hiking in the mountains and I wanted an easily backpackable snack. I figured I could snack on one 5lb gummy bear for the entire hike. Things started out okay enough, the hike was relaxing. It was mid-morning, and I got a bit snackish, so I pulled out Giant Gummy Bear and nibbled on his ear while hiking.

And that's when things went wrong, horrifyingly wrong. I wasn't watching my footing and I slipped off the edge of a small canyon, falling fifteen feet and losing my grip on Giant Gummy. I landed hard, and Giant Gummy slammed down on my arm like a chewy hammer, wedging it between the canyon wall and Giant Gummy's giant, gummy buttcheeks. It hurt, oh it hurt bad.

I drifted in and out of consciousness for hours. Night was falling when I really regained my wits and realized I was in trouble. I couldn't feel my hand, I couldn't stand up, I was pinned in place by Giant Gummy. I wrestled, I squirmed, I fought, but I was no match for Giant Gummy Bear. I was stuck.

Over the next couple of days, my consciousness deteriorated from exposure and dehydration. I saw my mom and grandparents, whom I lost in the 1990's, and they told me to hang on, that it wasn't my time yet. I thought of all my failed relationships, and business deals gone wrong. Most of all, I thought of my wife and kids, and how distraught they must be.

It was almost five days later when I accepted that help was never going to come, and I screwed together the courage and resolve to get myself out of my situation. I rummaged in my pack until I found my Swiss Army knife. It was hard to open it one-handed, but I managed. I poised it over my pinioned arm, gritted my teeth, and sunk the blade in.

Into Giant Gummy, that is. The first bite of Giant Gummy buttock was deliciously sweet and fake-cherry-rific, even after five days outside...but I knew I was going to have to eat a lot more than one bite. I kept carving into Giant Gummy, and eating Giant Gummy, for hours. My jaw grew tired from all the chewing, and my knife was covered in sugary, red goo. I was making progress, though. I could see parts of my arm that I hadn't seen since the fateful slip. Evening was close when I finally carved enough of a tunnel out of Giant Gummy that I could pull my arm free.

I stood up for the first time in 127 hours, turned to face down the mountain, and started walking. But first, I tucked the remains of Giant Gummy in my backpack, because hey, waste not, want not. (source)

Aren't these hilarious? You are welcome. 

xo Miriam

Linking up with Treasure Tromp

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  1. Can't stop laughing at the last one. It was the best!

  2. This is hysterical! I love reading reviews like this. If you have not already, go to Amazon and search "Banana slicer" (over 4,000 reviews) and "Wolf Howling at the Moon" tshirt (over 2,000 reviews). You can make two more posts out of the comments. People can be so creative! Hahaha

  3. Oh my goodness! These are so funny. My favorite is the one about the gummy bear as Donald.



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