You know you had a rough day when you get these three seperate comments, from three different people, within a single afternoon:
"You look like you are ready for bed!" (At 3pm.)
"You look stoned." (I don't smoke pot, ever.)
"You look really exhausted today." (Uhm, thanks?)
Apparently, I have no poker face. Because yes, it has been an exhausting day, but in a good way. I finally wrote the last exam of the year, which I will be thrilled about tomorrow after a good night's sleep. Right now I'm a zombie. For someone who hasn't done any studying for four years, two fairly important exams in the span of one month is tiring. On October 20th I wrote my citizenship exam (passed!), and today, exactly one month later, I wrote my CT exam (results yet unknown). Don't you just love the symmetry of it, both on the 20th? And both days featured brilliant sunshine, which I take as a good omen.
Something else positive came out of it: I had an idea! An idea about my sweet, darling blog, the poorly neglected child that has been coasting for a while now.
Do you remember The Big Bang Theory episode where Shelton is stuck on a physics problem, and starts working at The Cheesecake Factory to distract his mind with menial tasks, so his subconscious can figure out the solution? It works for him, and something like that happened to me. Sometime during the long hours buried in books and study notes, I had a minor epiphany.
First, I realized that I miss regular blogging. Really, really miss it. While I haven't actually been away, it has not been the same for me for a while. I used to write more. My thoughts, revelations, silly things that pop into my head - I used to lay it all out here. And then, I sort of stopped. I think it's largely due to the book I'm working on, but it's also deeper than that.
Writing personal stories in blog-form is familiar and comforting to me.
Doing it in book-form scares the shit out of me.
'How is it different?' you may wonder. Well, right now I'm not accountable to anyone. I can do whatever I want, and don't have to explain myself to anyone. But when I want to sell a book, I will have to pitch it to other people. They will read it, and critique it. They may tell me that it's not good enough. They may laugh in my face at my pitiful attempt of wanting to be an author.
The sensible part of me tried to explain that blog and book are not that different from each other (or are they?), and that I may even get positive feedback. But the sensitive part of me took my imagination into overdrive, and what it came up with wasn't pretty.
It just became overwhelming, and it paralyzed me. The words froze up inside of me. Every time I sat down to write, I would overthink it, and do the type-delete-type-delete dance. (That dance sucks.)
But then, the study-induced revelation struck.
Do what you love - which in my case, is blogging. Not only is it excellent therapy and a highly enjoyable hobby, but it is also writing practice.
Here is what will change: I'm going to update the look of my blog. It's time for a new outfit, the poor thing has been wearing similar clothes for years. I bought my first-ever layout last week, and will install it this weekend. Then, of course, more posts! More writing! More silliness! I cannot wait.
I'm still working on my book, but my blog will once again take centre stage. With no more extracurricular distractions, I feel like this will be a breeze. Which I know is wrong, but for now, please let me have this illusion!
With this, I leave you for tonight.
Thank you all so very much for reading, sticking by me and making this little blog the happy place it is.