Doing it despite the fear.

Monday, 16 November 2015

Current thought processes

I wake up with a start. Ugh, I had the dream again. It's weird and embarrassing, so obviously it needs to go on the Internet. Here goes:
Lately, I have repeatedly dreamt about being on the toilet, doing a number 2, when my crush wanders in. It's a guy that only exists in my dream, and that I only have a crush on in my dream (because he isn't real, duh). We both pretend that everything is normal, and that a) he can't smell the evidence, b) he can't see me sitting on the toilet, and c) he doesn't notice me wiping and flushing it all down. Instead, we have a casual chat, that even occasionally crosses into flirtatious territory, depending on the dream. The entire time I am aware how bizarre it is, but manage to shove the thought away. Dream-me is way more badass than real-me. 
But what does it mean???   

Once I have recounted the dream to Richard (who agrees it's unusual), the thoughts start to assault me.

"Just one cup of coffee and then I'll study for a couple of hours."

[One hour of browsing the Internet later.]

"Ugh, I'm so behind."

"I'll never catch up."

"I should do a load of laundry."  

[Sorts the laundry, starts a load.]

"Okay, let's do this."

"Oh, I need something to eat first."

"And a glass of juice."

"And a cup of tea."

[Sits down to study, finally, 3 hours after waking up.]

"Sh*t, I should have started way earlier. This is too much information! I only have 4 3 days left!"

[Starts getting stressed out. Gets some cookies.]

[Sits back down again. Leaves through notes, feels panic rising.]

"I need to do some yoga for stress relief."

[Gets on her mat, can't focus.]

[Gets off after a few minutes, frustrated.] 

[Eats more.]

[Stresses more.}

[Reads some material, takes some notes.]

"It's not so bad when I stay where I'm at, is it? Not everybody is supposed to advance their career."

"Why do I even want to learn more?"

"This is boring."

"I hate studying."

"I suck at studying."

[Puts laundry in dryer.]

[Goes out with husband to buy dog house, which has been on her list for months, but which has to happen today.right.this.minute.*]

*Did someone say procrastination?

[Buys nieces' presents, wraps them and sends them off today. You know, because Christmas is only 5.5 weeks away.]

[Having run out of stuff to do (after having done the majority of Christmas decorating), reluctantly sits down to study some more.]

I have an exam on Friday, and this is what my days look like right now. 
I'm bad with studying, and bad with exams. I get anxiety about it, but also have major procrastination syndrome. 

On the plus side, my house is never cleaner and my life never more organized than when I should be studying. Anything looks more attractive than learning about types of storage, bandwith and ring artifacts.   

How are your study habits? Are you a procrastinator like me, or a go-getter who gets 'er done?





P.S. I'm sure the dream is a symptom of stress. Do you know what it means?


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