Creating my happy life on the other side of fear.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Just be

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately. Some of it is due to circumstance, but most of it is self-inflicted, which is infuriating in its stupidity. This seems to be my pattern: If things go well, I will find something to stress over.

My biggest worries right now are all about the future, what "my calling" is, what I should do with my life. Secretly I still think that something big is supposed to happen for me, and I keep putting pressure on myself to figure out what that is.
Moving into the wilderness and hacking it as a bushwoman?
Becoming a full-time blogger, like so many bloggers seem to lately? (This will never happen, I couldn't handle the uncertainty. Also, I'm a few thousand followers short haha.)
Becoming a best-selling author? (Doesn't look good on that front either.)
Trying to advance my career in radiography?
Guys, I'm stumped. And stressed out, over something that's entirely in my head.
"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
You got it, Albus Dumbledore. Once you have something in your head, it's really hard to get it out. It may be a figment of your imagination, but if you keep thinking about it, it becomes real.
Never underestimate the power of the mind and what it can do. In this case: Complicating my life.


When it comes down to it, the problem  is simple: I'm not living in the present. Instead, I'm constantly focused on the future, worrying about it, and thinking I should do more, somehow. More of what? I'm not sure. But I gravitate towards people who preach to "hustle", to have a plan, to grow, to become bigger and better, to work towards goals. And as much as I agree with that mindset and admire it, I have decided I need to take a step back from it. Less doing, more being


Something beautiful happened today that made me realize that I have to appreciate the moment more.
After a Saturday of non-stop torrential rain, and a Sunday that was pretty grey, I woke up to brilliant sunshine today.

As always, I had a long list in my head of all the things I thought I *should* be doing. 
But as I was sitting in our sun-flooded living room with the pups by my feet, husband on the couch and cup of hot, delicious coffee in my hand, I decided to screw it. Today I would do exactly what I felt like doing, and forget about the silly lists in my head.

So after breakfast, I took the dogs for a long walk. 


I'm not doing them as much any more as I used to. Which has to change. Walks are good for my soul. They connect me with nature, my dogs, and the stories I listen to while I walk, and I didn't realize how much I missed them. As a part-time employee with no children, I had somehow convinced myself that I was "too busy" for regular walks. What BS. 
I chose to make myself get worked up about other stuff, instead of enjoying my good fortune of having the luxury to spend my time on daily walks. 

The walk (and my "aha"-moment) were part of the good thing that happened today, but not all of it. 
The other part was when I headed outside for another round of gorgeous, blessed outside yoga. 
Lately I have also been impatient with my yoga progress. Too focused on what could be, what should be, instead of being grateful for what is happening right now.   

Today was different. 
I went outside, slowly unrolling my mat, with nothing but peace and gratefulness in my mind. The sky was blue, the November sun surprisingly warm on my skin, and the trees above me rustled softly in the slight breeze. The dogs were resting close by, all of them lying down, relaxing.

It was the best practice I had in a long time. Instead of getting mad at myself for still not getting into a pose, or not being strong enough, or flexible enough, or balanced enough - I just was. 

For the first time, I felt like I understood what "surrender" means. And it was utterly amazing. 
The pressure was gone. The nagging voices in my head were gone. I just focused on the feel of my body, the nature around me, the moment.   

And then, this happened:



Longest forearm stand to date: 11.5 seconds. 
You see, what I've learnt is that if your mind is not balanced, your body won't be either. It's all connected. 

So I'm making myself a promise: To just be, for a while. To find my inner balance again, and to stop worrying about the future all the damn time. 

How about you: Are you a worrier, like me? Or do you know the secret of living in the present?
(If you do, please share!)




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