Creating my happy life on the other side of fear.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

My brain is a drama queen


It's been a while since I just sat down and wrote my heart out - and I've missed it. Besides the usual culprits (work, I'm painting the basement, more work around the farm this time of year), there is also something else: My thoughts are extremely scattered. There are too many vague projects jockeying for attention: I keep wanting to write down a few short stories that are floating through my thoughts; I want to get back to working on that pesky novel I have started; I need  to get started on my yearly photo calendars (Christmas presents for my family in Germany); maybe I should figure out what my next aspirations in my job are - just to name a few.
But it's the same story every time: the more I think, the less I do. I feel so paralyzed by the growing list of things I want to complete that I end up doing none of them, and watch Gilmore Girls instead.

Another side effect of the overthinking: I project my inner insecurities onto the relationships I have with various people. As much as I appear confident and carefree (I think), there is this inner child that wants approval and people to like her. On a rational level I realize that not everybody will like you - I get it, I really do. But on an emotional level, it's one of my biggest insecurities. Example: I text a friend - and don't hear back for hours. Or sometimes days. Despite my knowing that this person may not be the greatest at answering texts right away, I get this little internal monologue going: She doesn't want to hang out. Did I do something wrong? Does she not like me any more? Am I a bad friend? What's wrong with me?

Once we meet and she explains that she was busy when she got my text and then forgot to answer back for a while, I can completely understand. We are all busy, and I do it myself sometimes.
But have I learned my lesson not to worry about it next time? Nope. My brain seems to have a mind of its own, and loves to dramatize simple events. I hate drama - my brain loves it. What a drama queen.

My blog friend D wrote a beautiful post about the need to belong. It really struck a chord with me. You can still experience loneliness sometimes, despite being in a happy relationship and having found your place in the world. Or have I? As I'm writing this, I'm conflicted about the concept of having found one's place: I know I love where I live. But can I imagine living somewhere else? Sometimes I can't, often I can. The thought of only having that one life to live gives me a slight panic sometimes: Shouldn't I explore more places? Live somewhere new? Try out that life in the wilderness Rich and I both have dreamed about?

Every so often I'm afraid I'm losing my thirst for adventure. Are my wild ambitions dying a slow death caused by daily routine and acquiesence? There is a good chance they would, were it not for my drama-craving brain: it won't let me. Hallelujah for that! As much grief as it gives me occasionally with creating all this doubt, I am very grateful that it stirs up my thoughts. Today I found this quote on Pinterest: "Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers." (Charles Bukowski)
That was the most reassuring thing I have read in a long time. There is a use for all these angsty thoughts!

Katie from Scarphelia has this motto on her blog: "Forever remain curious, refuse to remain unremarkable."
Aren't those great words to live by?

Whenever I read about people quitting their day jobs and fulfilling their ambitions of working for themselves, I get this little twinge of yearning. Not jealousy, but admiration: They are doing it. They are really chasing their dreams, putting it all out there, living adventurously.
And I ask myself: Could I ever be one of them? For real? Do I have it in me? Or am I destined to work in a "normal", secure job, with all its benefits, but also all its limitations? Honestly, I don't know. I'm not brave when it comes to taking risks in regards to jobs and a financial future. And I still believe that I need my day job to "get out of the house", to keep my propensity to fall into a depression in check. Or is that just an excuse I make for myself?

So many confusing thoughts lately. Too much thinking, not enough doing.
Fortunately, there are a few things I know for sure are here to stay: My husband, my animals, and my writing. Everything else will have to be sorted out in due time.
To quote another favourite saying:
Things have a way of working out.

Love, Miriam

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5 comments

  1. Are we the same person??? Lol I've been feeling exactly the same way lately. My mind has been working overtime and I have too many thoughts to actually sit down and execute any of them. Like I wrote in one of my last posts, I have too much on my plate. But at the same time I feel like I'm not doing enough. And then I have some ideas floating around in my head that I just have to put into motion. And that doesn't happen. I'm scattered and flustered and it's difficult to make sense of it all sometimes. Goodness my brain can mess with me sometimes!!!
    ~ Samantha

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  2. Ahhh, the brain. Such a drama queen! I am always jumping to conclusions about a lack of response to a text or email or whatever. And then I turn around and do the same thing to someone else! It happens. This time of year always gets a little hectic and the solution is to just watch Gilmore Girls and do nothing. .... Well, maybe not. But gosh it's tempting!

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  3. Things do have a way of working themselves out. I'm asking all these same questions all the time. I feel like I need to tell myself, brain get it together! :)

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  4. Your title made me laugh! I also find that I tend to be less adventurous on things involving finances and jobs. I don't think that has to mean lack of adventure, though. The adventures I love best are less entrepreneurial and more based in fashion or words or random explorations. Of course, we did just get a job that allowed us to move overseas so I suppose that could be called adventurous, but it still involves a reliable paycheck!

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  5. thank you for mentioning my post, it really means a lot that you liked it :)

    too much thinking, not enough doing.. that's exactly my problem. sometimes when i find out that a musician or a sucessful travel blogger is younger than me, it hits me.. there's so much i could've done already. but then again, i would have done it if i really wanted it, right? i'm not unhappy with where i am right now, it's just that feeling that i'm passing up chances. pff, the brain ^^

    i really like that last quote. things will work out, that's a reassuring thought.

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