Creating my happy life on the other side of fear.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Angels and demons

It's 10 o'clock at night. I've just come in from my last feed. I was standing outside on the field, with the horses, Llamas and sheep, for a long time. Breathing in the scent of the night. The smell of hay. The delicious smell of the horses. Hugging my boy Nick tight, leaning against him for strength.

My demon, my depression, is trying to weasel its way back in. Despite the pills.
This season is always hard for me. Shorter days. More darkness. Thanksgiving. Christmas coming up. Family time. I don't like to think about it. It makes me sad, and anxious, and restless. I wanna run away. I retreat from people, but also crave their company. Want to hide, but also want them near me.

The animals help so much. They give me calm, and strength, and quiet the voices in my head, the ones whispering to me: "You're not good enough. You have to try harder. You don't deserve better."

The dogs, and horses, they silence that voice for a short time. Their love is complete. Perfect. I couldn't imagine my life without them.

But I also know, that voice is not right. It's in my power to shut it up. Turn it around. Face my fears. Remember what's good about life. So many things are good about it!
I won't give in. Not this time! I have the tools, I know I can chase it off. I, with the help of my four-legged friends, my love, my quirky, unusual - yet still, my family - I am stronger.

Remember life's beauty.


xoxo Miriam
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5 comments

  1. This time of year is always hard for me too, even though I love it. It's a catch-22 I guess. I've been trying to spend as much time as I can outside in the sun, doing all my favourite things, cooking dinner for friends - whatever I deem self care that day. Sometimes it means staying in bed and watching a whole season of Sex and the City and eating Lipton Chicken Soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. I saw a great quote today...
    "“People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness” I have no idea who said it, but it's SOOOO true. What are we waiting for? Sometimes it's just not that easy.
    Anyways, good luck with the season - find the happy spots and love those four legged life savers!!

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    1. Thanks Chrissi! Yup, sun and Sex and the City definitely help. And the Big Bang Theory, my latest obsession.
      I woke up this morning feeling way better, wondering for a second if it was right to post that last night - but then I thought "Yes! It was right. Because I'm sure lots of people feel that way, and I hope it helps them to see that others do, too." It helps me tremendously, knowing that I'm not the only one. So thank you a million for commenting! xoxo

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  2. Ahh is that a bear print???
    I wish you well with fall, my husband suffers much the same way and I often feel helpless in helping him so I have no real words of healing but like all things I am sure it will pass.

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    1. Haha no, that's my dog's paw print. She's pretty big :)
      Thank you for always coming here, all your sweet comments and support. The best thing you can do for your hubby is simply be there for him and let him know that you love him. That's the best help! Thank you!!

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  3. "Angels and Demons" is a great title.
    That is just what it feels like.. the demons come creeping in, just when you thought you had rid yourself of them. For me, it happens at night. I lay there as they crawl into my bed, and into my head.. Their voices haunt me. The remind me of the mistakes I've made. They tell me I don't deserve love and happiness. They convince me that I am a bad person. I drift off back to sleep and wake up with them nestled in beside me still. Before I know it, the've joined me for breakfast and lunch.. and by dinner I am trying desperately to get them out of my head, my house, my life...
    Thank god for the angels. Yours seem to be your beautiful animals. Mine are my friends, family and baby.
    As much as I want to withdraw, and I do, I know that if somehow I reach out there will be a hand to hold and it will comfort me. So I force myself to text a friend, call my mom, get outside, spend time with my girlfriends, or dance with my baby in the living room.
    It helps. I may not notice right away, but after a visit or a chat or a dance, it seems that a weight is lifted. The demons have left.. for now.
    I know by now, that they will be back. When I least expect it, they'll come in the night, crawl into my bed in the dark, and whisper in my ear... But with the help of my angels (loved ones), we can fight the demons together.

    Thank you for writing this post and speaking so candidly. It shows strength, just to be able to put it out there. I commend you.
    And btw, I love you. And I'm always here to help you battle those demons. There is strength in numbers!

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