Creating my happy life on the other side of fear.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Uncensored

It's 11:30pm on a school night, exactly 7 hours before I need to get up, but I am overcome by an urgent frenzy. As I was brushing my teeth right now, the urge to write overcame me, and what a sweet relief it is! Because over the last 5 days or so, that urge had all but disappeared. For the first time in about 18 months, and it got me worried. Very worried. Because without it, what else would there be? How else would I make sense of the tangled, confusing thoughts in my head? But, hallelujah, it came back! And I am typing here as fast as I can, and the typing errors are atrocious, but I will correct them before posting this, no worries. Because if there is one thing I can't abide, it's spelling errors. If it can be helped.

I think the main reason why I was stumped for words over the last 5 days was my inherent reaction to censor things. That's how I was brought up, that's what so many people still do every day of their lives - censoring the kind of reality they want people to see. 

I was in a bit of an emotional turmoil, and I discovered (once again) that I can't fake it for the sake of this blog. I can't write about something light hearted and pretend like nothing is wrong, when something is wrong. Even if it is something small. Because, what is the purpose of this blog? To document real life. Not just all the happy stuff. No, also the petty, nitpicky, stupid little stuff. 
Because we all have that in our lives. And people who pretend everything is awesome all the time are liars by omission. Because that's not how life works. 

If I can't be real, I can't write, and that makes me really sad. So real it is. 
On a related note: when I get stressed, I get this highly annoying, weird rash on my lower backside. It is the most reliable way of telling how I'm feeling: even if I try to convince myself that everything is fine, if it isn't, the rash shows up. Like f*cking German clockwork. It's my own personal lie-/stress-detector test. And it's itchy as hell. 

Anyway. 

I love my Canadian family. My weird, patchwork-y, flawed family is everything to me. They may not always  know it, because I'm not the best at maintaining relationships. I suck at it, to be truthful, and I always try to get better. Let's just say, it's a work in progress.
But I love them. My 4 daughters, who have probably taught me more than I ever taught them. And, of course, my impossible, macho, stubborn husband. 

Fights within the family break my heart, and fights with my husband are the worst.
When people love each other, they don't set out to hurt the other person. When that inevitably happens, it must have another reason. I'm convinced that at the root of every fight is a misunderstanding. Lack of communication, or the inability to express what exactly it is that hurt us.
When you try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, really try to understand them, it can shed a whole new light onto an argument.

Our hair debacle is resolved. I got a different shade, darker but with warm red undertones (photos to follow soon!), and it looks awesome. We also got to the root of his dislike, and it was a reason I can understand well. Let's just say that the ghosts of girlfriends past came back to haunt him when I showed up with my Florence Welch colour, and in his limited (=male) opinion, I had become a different person.
You know how smells can trigger powerful memories? Well, apparently red hair has the same power.

So, what's the morale of this tale? I didn't set out to hurt him, but he was nonetheless. He didn't know how to express it in a sensitive, careful manner, but blurted his feelings out in all his brutally honest, direct German manner. I, expecting a completely different reaction, was hurt.
It's a story as old as relationships. In the end, it had nothing to do with one person trying to put another person down, or not letting them be themselves.

He didn't recognize his girl any more. She looked like a different person - or several, a bunch of not so happy memories all wrapped into one flaming crowning glory, constantly reminding him of unhappy times. What a shock it was to him.
Such is the power of hair!

Love, Miriam 

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5 comments

  1. I'm glad all is settled and your urge to write - uncensored - has returned!

    Hugs. Just because.

    -Amy

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  2. I wondered if it was something like that Miriam. I had an incident recently with someone and it reminded me of my ex. It led to a very depressed week on my part. So, I can understand were your husband is coming from. I also understood where you were coming from as well wanting to express yourself and try something new. I am glad you were able to compromise and come to a happy medium. I also can't pretend to be happy when I'm not. I'm just not built like that I guess.

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  3. Yay!! Glad to know it is better and a compromise was reached!! Pictures, Pictures, Pictures ;)

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  4. Glad you were able to compromise! Pictures!

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  5. I am glad everything worked out. I want pictures!
    I tend to censor myself in my posts too. I have a sense of humor that can sound offensive or bitchy sometimes so I try to tone it down. I know I shouldn't do that. It's the way I was raised too.

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